Fun With the Sages!
by Tomulosity
Summary: Watch as I make fun of the all the Sages from Saria to Ruto! Paragraphed by LostInHyrule.
1. What Comes of Boredom

Fun With the Sages.

Chapter One: What Comes of Boredom.

Saria, Sage of forest, was bored. Now it may seem hard to believe that someone as powerful as a Sage would be bored, but it happened quite often to Saria. Being cooped up in the Chamber of Sages all the time wasn't exactly exciting. The other Sages had each other's company but of course, Saria was quite a bit younger then them. She overheard Ruto and Zelda bickering.

"I should get the biggest piece of the cake! I'm princess of the Zoras!"

"It should be equal! Besides I'm princess of Hyrule!"

"Well _I_ can breath underwater!"

Something clicked in Saria's mind. _Ruto…me…bored… _Suddenly she knew what would cure her boredom.

Saria snickered evilly. In the chamber of Sages, a Sage would enter his or her room by leaping into the circle that had the Sage's medallion. Leaping out was how to exit. Saria had just seen Ruto jump into her room. Saria had quickly created a horizontal rosebush (A very _thorny _rosebush.) that would prick Ruto as soon as she jumped out. Saria's reason for doing this? Ruto was a snob who always treated Saria like a two year old. Zelda walked by and stifled a laugh. Ruto then leapt out of her room.

It was a very thorny experience.

"YOU LITTLE CREEP!" Ruto screamed.

Saria nimbly leapt out of the way of the oncoming fishy onslaught. Ruto chased Saria through every corner of the chamber of Sages, and having no choice, Saria leapt into the middle of the Chamber…

Saria fell out of the sky and landed in the middle of Hyrule field. A Sage could enter Hyrule if he or she wanted, but many people just stammered and walked away shyly. _I guess I'll go to Hyrule castle town_. She thought. The shopkeepers usually gave Sages 50 off. She transformed into her little green ball and sped toward the town. People saw the little green ball and instantly shuffled their feet shyly. The little kids wanted to play with it. _Uh-uh kiddies. I'm not interested in being dribbled and shot through a hoop_. She changed back and walked into the Bazaar.

"Uh, hi. I'll have ten arrows and a bow." The shopkeeper gave her 50 off (As usual.) and Saria went outside to try her knew toy. She aimed it so that it would hit the tree outside the town but well; let's just say she didn't have as good aim as Link… Her arrow flew right through the door of the happy mask shop and the happy mask salesman was now a not-so-happy mask salesman.

"Hey! There's an arrow in my mask!" The next thing Saria knew, a very angry mask salesman was chasing her.

"It was an _accident_! I didn't _mean_ to!" She cried. The Angry Mask Salesman chased her all around Hyrule field. Having no choice, Saria teleported into the Chamber of Sages…

…Right into a still-angry Ruto.

"GOT YA!" Ruto yelled. Saria screamed and ducked under Ruto's legs. Thinking quickly, she leapt into her room (Which was made up of ten plants, five roses, two small trees, and green walls) and locked the door.

"YOU LET ME IN THERE YOU STUPID BRAT!" Saria jumped into her bed (Which was also green) and hid under the covers. _So this_, She thought shivering, _is what comes of boredom_.


	2. Here Comes the Groom!

Chapter Two: Here Comes the Groom!

Zelda, leader of the Sages was hunched over her Sages report extremely frustrated. _What can I write_! She thought angrily. _Hyrule's been a boring ol' peaceful land since Ganondorf was sent to Timbuktu_! She ground her teeth furiously.

Just then she was saved by the bell. The doorbell to be exact. "I'll get it!" She cried, happy for any distractions. She looked through the Peephole of Sages. "It's Link guys!" She cried. Zelda swung open the Door of Sages and in ran the Hero of Time.

"Greetings Sages!" Link shouted. "Malon and I are getting married!"

Almost everyone took this news differently. Saria gave Link a big hug and a congrats, Darunia said congrats and pounded Link on the back flattening him, Impa shook Links hand and said congratulations, Nabooru cursed under her breath and said congrats, Rauru patted Links head and said congratulations, Zelda did the same as Saria, and Ruto just sobbed and cried

"_Why_! _WHY_!"

"We're getting married in three days!" Link exclaimed. "Just wanted to tell you guys the good news! Bye!"

And with that Link leapt back into Hyrule. _Okay fun's over_. Zelda thought. _Time to get back to work_. She was just about to go back to her room when Ruto grabbed her arm.

"How would you like 50 Rupees?" Ruto asked.

Zelda's eyes narrowed. "What do you want Ruto?" Zelda asked suspiciously.

"I want you to talk to Link and ask if there's any chance of the wedding being called off." Ruto replied.

"Hmm." Zelda said. "That sounds like it would be worth…_100_ Rupees."

"Sixty."

"Sixty-five."

"Done!" Ruto smiled a satisfied smile.

"I'll get a disguise." Zelda said. No way was she asking Link that as herself! How humiliating! Zelda went into her room and searched through her closet. The only disguise she had was Sheik. Good enough. After she was disguised, she leapt into Hyrule…

_Now where could Link be?_ Zelda thought. She looked around Hyrule field. What luck! Link was standing right by the stream and he wasn't with Malon! She ran up to him.

"Hi Link!" She shouted in her man-sounding Sheik voice.

"Hi Zelda." Said Link. "Why are you dressed as Sheik?"

_Curses_ Thought Zelda. She had forgotten that she had revealed her disguise to Link! "Uh, no I'm the real Sheik." She tried. "Zelda disguised herself as me to avoid detection in the Temple of Time when she talked to you, but I was the guy teaching you songs and stuff." She grinned sheepishly.

Link stared for a few seconds before nodding. "Oh. Hi."

"I uh heard the big news. You're getting married."

"Yeah!" Link said happily.

"Are you _sure_ you're getting married?"

Link looked at her weirdly. "Yeah, of course."

"No chance of it being called off?"

"No!"

Zelda decided to bring Ruto back more bad news. "If you had to get married to anyone but Malon, who would you marry?"

Link looked at her even weirder. "I dunno…"

"What about Ruto?"

Link looked horrified. "I'd rather _die_!"

"Oh. Gotta go!" Zelda said running away. She was looking forward to those 65 Rupees! Once out of Links eyesight, she changed back to herself and teleported to the Chamber of Sages…

"Pay up." Zelda said to Ruto.

"What'd he say?!" Ruto cried.

"He said that there was absolutely no chance of the wedding being called off."

Ruto started crying and reluctantly handed Zelda 65 Rupees.

"Oh yeah." Zelda said. "He also said that he would rather die than marry you."

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" Ruto cried and leapt into her room.

Zelda snickered happily but then frowned. _Now back to that report_…


	3. The Trouble With Cuccos

Chapter Three: The Trouble with Cuccos.

Nabooru crouched in the shadows behind the Bazaar in Hyrule castle. She was broke, and she figured the Bazaar was as good a place as any. Not like she _needed_ the money, she stole just for the fun of it. She was rather infamous around the Chamber of Sages for handing out Rupees to anyone who needed 'em. Silent she leapt in there, nabbed a bag of Rupees and ran out. The guy wouldn't even know she had taken 'em till he checked. This would be about…now!

"AAAAARRGHH!" She heard a furious yell. "DARN SAGE OF SPIRITS!"

Nabooru chuckled evilly and teleported to the CoS (Chamber of Sages)…

"RUPEES!"

All the Sages (except for Impa and Rauru, who are mature) yelled. Nabooru found herself being tackled by very derange-er hyper Sages.

"WHOA! GET THE HECK OFF ME!" She yelled in her best I-mean-business voice.

Everyone got off and stood around her excitedly. Nabooru smiled quite amused. "Fetch." She said and threw the bag in the middle of them.

The Sages were a blur as they ripped the bag to shreds and fought over the Rupees. Nabooru wished she had popcorn.

"Nabooruuuu." Whined Zelda. "There aren't enough Rupees for all of us! Get some more!" Nabooru rolled her eyes.

"You guys are pathetic!" She exclaimed before leaping into Hyrule…

Nabooru crouched behind the Bazaar for the second time that day. The store was now closed however, which insured a much easier steal. She unlocked the door with the Lock pick of Sages, ran in and once again nabbed a bag. _This one is much heavier than the last one_. She thought. _More Rupees_. _Good_. She went outside to Hyrule field and struck a dramatic pose. "The mighty Nabooru strikes again!" She exclaimed before slicing the bag open dramatically. The bag revealed not Rupees, but an injured Cucco! With its dying breath the Cucco crowed for help. _Oh…no!_ Thought Nabooru panicking. Out of nowhere a flock of infuriated Cuccos attacked! Nabooru tried to fend them off, but to no avail, as even Link could not hope to defeat a flock of angry Cuccos. Just before she fell into unconsciousness, she managed to teleport to the CoS…

She awoke in the Hospital of Sages getting her cuts and bruises nursed. "What happened!?" Cried Rauru.

Nabooru said the only word that was necessary: "Cuccos." Everyone gasped.

"Oh you poor thing!" Cried Zelda. Then Zelda smiled excited. "Got any Rupees?"


	4. Cooking and Tricks

Chapter Four: Cooking and Tricks.

_I'm thinkin' a nice roasted Cucco with fried Tektite Legs and an appetizer of cooked Keese wings._ Darunia thought as he licked his chops. The rest of the Sages had declared him the official Cook of Sages and he was fixing another delicious meal. Not for _him_ of course, _he_ was going to eat the biggest and best rocks strait from Dodongo's cavern. After putting together the finishing touches with the Saltshaker of Sages, he rang the Lunch Bell of Sages. Approximately 0.3 seconds after, six out of seven Sages crowded around the Table of Sages. The seventh Sage, being a certain watery fish lady whom I'm sure you all know, took nearly thirty seconds to get to the Table of Sages. Darunia rolled his eyes. Ruto was always saying how much she disliked his food ("Where _I_ come from we had _real_ food.") yet she still asked for seconds ("I must keep my strength up I'm afraid.")! But today he had something _special_ planned. Special and…_sinister_!

"Oh don't worry Ruto," he said. "You don't have to eat anything. Link's going to take you to lunch in a few minutes."

Ruto's head snapped up. "But isn't he married?"

"Oh haven't you heard?" Darunia asked innocently. "The wedding was called off."

By now all the other Sages were looking at him quizzically. Darunia gave them a Don't-say-anything look.

"Really?" Squeaked Ruto.

"Yup." Ruto stood there for a second before surprising everyone."**HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY**!"

Ruto ran from the room in a flash.

"Can we stop holding in our barely suppressed laughter now?" Asked Saria casually.

"Oh sure." At once the Kitchen of Sages erupted in hilarity as four Sages (Rauru and Impa didn't join in you see, as I said before, they are mature) almost died of Extremely Massive Outstanding Super Hyper laughter (E.M.O.S.H. laughter for short).

"You do realize that you are dead meat?" Asked Nabooru wiping the tears from her eyes.

Darunia frowned. For a fish-head Ruto packed quite a punch and he didn't want to end up in the Hospital of Sages. Or dead. _I'll just run her over with my Goron roll if she gets rough_. He thought. _And if worse comes to worse, there's always that sword Biggoron gave me_…

"**I WILL ANNIHILATE YOU!**" Screamed Ruto in the kitchen.

Darunia was, for the first time in his life, truly afraid. "W-w-what are y-you talking about?" He stammered.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M **TALKING ABOUT!**" Screamed Ruto. "I went to see Link at Hyrule Castle Town and DID HE COME? **NO!**" As a physical explanation point (As if that last comment needed any more) Ruto picked up Darunia's recipe book, and threw it into the fireplace in the Living Room of Sages.

_No_! Darunia thought horrified. _That was my best book_! He clenched his large Goron hands into large Goron fists. "You're gonna' pay." He snarled. He picked up a large Goron fistful of spinach and onions and flung them at the famous fish-face. It met its target and Ruto responded with a large peace of pizza. This resulted in an all-out food war. They were both so absorbed in attacking the other with various edible objects that they failed to notice Rauru who had come into the kitchen for a cup of decaffeinated coffee.

"My word!" Shouted Rauru. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" The Sages of fire and water both froze for a few seconds before shouting,

"HE DID IT!" and

"SHE DID IT!" Simultaneously.


	5. The Sage of Babysitting

A/N: And the winner is…Rauru by a landslide!!! Thanks for the reviews people! And you all have my permission to hurl stones and other injuring objects at me, for I have given you a long wait yet again.

**Chapter Five: The Sage of Babysitting**.

Rauru, Sage of Light, had a job to do. Not just any old job. Not simply buying a quart of milk from the grocery store, or merely saving Hyrule from a treacherous villain. No, this was a complex job. A _difficult_ job.

He was going to baby-sit two newborn children.

Malon had just given birth to twins and they had asked one of the Sages to baby-sit. All the other Sages had voted for Rauru, they're reason being that, in some other time, he had watched over Link for seven years in the Temple of Time. Despite Rauru's protests that technically he had never really done that, the six persistent Sages soon overpowered him. Heavily armed with baby bottles, two Teddy Tektites, a _The Legend of the Hero of Time_ storybook, and _Mr. Tunie's big book o' lullabies_, he confidently strode out of his room.

Nabooru chuckled as he passed. "You know Rauru; you're babysitting two kids, not marching off to battle." Rauru frowned.

"You can never be to well prepared Nabooru." Rauru replied.

Nabooru smirked. "Well at least you don't have to worry about them crying too much. In that getup, they'll be laughing the whole time!"

Rauru scowled as he looked over his outfit. A stainless-steal suit (In case of vomit and/or urine) and a helmet (That vaguely resembled a coconut chopped in half and hollowed out) on his head.

"Better safe than sorry." He grumbled before continuing on his way.

"Yes? Oh! Um…is that you Rauru?" Malon asked as she answered the door.

"Yes Malon it's me. How are you doing?" Rauru asked.

"Fine." Malon answered as she looked over Rauru's outfit. "Uh…they're only _infants_ by the way."

Rauru sighed. "Yes, I know." He answered.

Malon managed to stop staring a Rauru's clothing. "Well…come in! Make yourself comfortable."

Rauru stepped into the house. "Just what are you're children's name's again?" He asked.

"Sheik and Zelda." Malon answered. Rauru smiled.

"Oh yes. That was why my honorable leader was in tears a month ago."

"I'll go get them." Malon answered before hurrying out of the room.

Link soon entered. "Whoa! Who are y-Oh! Rauru! Hi! What a…er…interesting choice of attire."

Rauru sighed heavily. "Thank you. I'm glad _somebody_ approves."

Malon entered the room with two small infants. Sheik, the youngest by two minutes, had red hair and brown eyes. Zelda had blond hair and blue eyes, and was said by Malon to be "A little feisty." Rauru desperately hoped that 'A little feisty' didn't mean 'violent' or 'uncontrollable' or 'unbearably and inconceivably bad-tempered'. He shuddered.

"Rauru? Are you okay?" Link asked. Rauru shook himself out of the image of Zelda biting him while Sheik pulled his hair.

"Fine." He said weakly. "You two have a good time at the bowling alley."

After they had left, Rauru immediately got down to business. Business being staring out at the window and hoping that Link and Malon would have a spontaneous change of plans, and return home immediately. Needless to say, this did not occur, and Rauru was forced to take a glance at the two newborns that the apprehensive Sage was looking after. Rauru smiled hesitantly at the children.

"Hello." He said cautiously. The babies simultaneously cocked their heads at him and promptly began to cry. Rauru panicked. "Um…perhaps you both are hungry!" He said hopefully, glancing at the bottles he was armed with. He quickly filled them with Lon Lon milk, gave them to the infants and, for a short time, this helped.

Rauru began to relax as Zelda and Sheik finished eating and smiled in contentment…until Zelda realized that her brother still had some milk left in his bottle, which made her decide to grab said bottle, away from said brother. This provoked Sheik to punch his sister in the mouth, which provoked Zelda to cry, which provoked Sheik to cry, until they were both bawling their little heads off.

"Oh dear." Rauru sighed over the remarkable din.

Things went downhill from there. In a short hour and a half, Sheik and Zelda managed to rip the teddy Tektites in half, bite off the pages of the _Legend of the Hero of Time_ storybook, and scream to the tune of every last song in the _book o' Lullabies_. As it turned out, Rauru's stainless steel suit came in handy, as both vomit and urine occurred. There was a rather horrific incident when Rauru turned into his ball of light and was almost eaten by Sheik, but Rauru came out alive and was just glad that infants didn't have teeth. Sheik and Zelda spent three hours of crying nonstop (On the last half-hour, Rauru joined in himself) when Link and Malon came home.

As soon as the door was opened Sheik and Zelda immediately stopped bawling.

"Why Rauru!" Malon cried. "Look how content they are. You must have done a good job!"

Rauru shook his head. "Not exactly Malon. You see-"

"And look at Zelda!" Link interrupted. "The kid likes you."

Rauru looked down to find that Zelda had crawled over and started to hug Rauru's leg, and Rauru was positive she turned to wink at her brother.

"Maybe you could do this again some time?" Malon asked. "You'll be paid, of course."

Rauru's eyes widened. All the rupees in Hyrule weren't enough to go through _that _again!

"B-but-"He stammered.

"Anyway, thanks again Rauru." Link said. "I think these guys ought to be getting to bed. See ya'!" He said.

"But No! You don't understa-"Rauru cried before the door was shut in his face.

A/N: I would like to welcome my good friend LostInHyrule to this site. I urge you to check out his stories, as they are hilarious. He has also generously re-paragraphed every single chapter of this very story (And did a much better job than I did). Thanks again LIH!


	6. The Sage of Evil?

**Chapter Six: The Sage of Evil(?). **

Impa smiled as she listened to the birds sing in the peaceful village she had founded. As she turned her head she saw the children playing, the Cucco's squawking, and heard the soft sound of the wind. She took a deep breath of cool autumn air. How Impa loved Kakariko Village. So peaceful. So quiet. So-

"AAAAEEEEEEIAH!!! IT'S THE SAGE OF EVIL!!!! RUN!!!"

Impa jumped as she heard the children scream. What were they talking about, Sage of Evil? Well whatever they meant, it was her duty as a Sage to help them! She quickly ran towards the sound.

Impa found the two boys in the graveyard running as if Ganondorf himself was on their tails, and screaming uncontrollably. She leaped over the kids' head's, shouted,

"Get behind me!" while striking a Sheikah fighting stance at whatever was coming. So absorbed was the Sage of Shadow in her pose, she did not realize that the youths' were relatively eager to get behind her. In fact, they were _unusually_ eager. Heck, they were downright _running away from her_! Impa watched them quizzically, before sprinting after them.

As she caught up to them, Impa grabbed the children around the wastes.

"Whoa, whoa!" She yelled as they struggled to get free of her Sheikah grip. "What in Farore's name are you kids running from?"

The children did not answer, but kept right with their ear-piercing screams.

"Hey!" Impa said with a raised voice. "I said what are y-"

But the two young men drowned her out. Impa was getting miffed.

"_Hey_!!!" She screamed even louder than the kids. "_What is going on here_?!?!"

The kids immediately shut their little Hylian traps.

"Good." Impa said. "Now tell me, why are you two screaming loud enough to wake the ReDeads?"

There was silence before one of the boys got the courage to stutter. "Th-the S-sage of E-evil is a-after us!" Impa frowned.

"Sage of Evil? What Sage of Evil? There's no Sage of Evil."

The two boys stared silently until it dawned on our confused Shadow Sage.

"Wait a second." Impa said pointing to herself. "You mean _me_?"

The other petrified juvenile male nodded slowly. At this point Impa was quite angry.

"I am not the Sage of Evil! Who ever told you I was the Sage of Evil? I am Impa! Guardian of Princess Zelda! Last surviving member of the Sheikah race!" Our fuming Sheikah friend lifted her head to the sky. "Oh Din, Farore, and Nayru!! How has it come to this?!?" She yelled.

The two boys were even more terrified than before at this point, and began to fear for their lives when Impa whipped her head toward them.

"Don't EVER mistake me for an evil being again!!! I'm not the Sage of Evil; I'm the Sage of Shadow! There's a difference!! A BIG difference!!!!!" She then stormed away.

Later that day, Impa was still in Kakariko and its peacefulness had taken its toll. _Maybe I was too hard on them_. Impa thought. _After all, all they did was mistake 'Shadow' with 'Evil'. They're not the first ones. _She smiled as she stroked a Cucco's feathers. _And I must admit, I'm not exactly the best-looking female in Hyrule_. She chuckled to herself. _Yes, I think I'll go apologize. It couldn't hur_-

"YIKES!!! IT'S THE SAGE OF DEATH!!! RUN!!!!"

Needless to say, that jolted Impa out of her good mood. "AAAAARRRRGH!!" She screamed before teleporting to the CoS…

Impa marched furiously through the CoS. She passed Saria, who was reading her favorite book (_The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past_ by Shigeru Miyamoto).

"Hi Impa." Saria said casually. "How ya' doin'?"

Impa was, as you know, in a relatively bad mood, and her response mirrored this.

"Buzz off, Forest shrimp." She said grumpily. Saria looked up from her book and frowned.

"Hey, what's up your butt?" She asked angrily. Impa did what you or I may have done if we had just been victims of mistaken identity. Twice. She cursed at the forever-young Forest Sage. Saria, who was not used to such hostile behavior among her co-Sages (Except from maybe, Ruto), stared for a few seconds and went to read in her room instead.

Impa figured that a nice cup of decaffeinated coffee would cheer her up, so she went to the Kitchen of Sages. There she found Rauru, who was still recovering from his babysitting job in the last chapter.

"Hello Impa." He said good-naturedly. "Coffee?" He offered.

Impa grunted a yes. Rauru filled a Mug of Sages and gave it to our peeved, purple-medallioned, protagonist.

"So," He said. "What's the problem?"

Impa told him about the two pairs of misinformed children. Rauru listened intently with his eyes wide. As Impa finished, Rauru stroked his white beard thoughtfully.

"You know," He said deep in thought. "I just may have a solution to this little problem of yours, if you're interested."

Impa's eyes widened. "Am I interested?" She asked incredulously. "_Am I interested_? Of course I'm interested!!" She exclaimed.

"Okay then." Rauru said smiling. "Listen carefully…"

Impa snickered with glee. If this worked, she would never be mistaken for an Evil Sage again! Impa was dressed in a black cloak with a hood that covered her face. She had been practicing her deep voice and hoped it would be convincing. There. She spotted the two kids who originally had fled from her. With another snicker, she teleported right in front of them. The children stared in horror.

"Get on your knees before the Sage of Evil, pitiful mortals!" Impa shouted in her deep voice. The children gasped and kneeled quickly. "Now," Impa said with a concealed smile. "There is word on the wind that you have mistaken that goody goody Sage of Shadow, for ME!!! Is this true?"

One of the kids nodded slowly.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" Impa yelled, causing the faces of the kids to grow considerably whiter. "The Sage of Shadow is my enemy!" Impa shouted. "She is so noble and brave and heroic it makes me sick!!" The boys didn't move a muscle. "If you EVER mistake me for her again, I will come back to haunt you!" With that, Impa prepared to teleport, but had another thought. "Oh yeah," She said. "And tell your friends not to mistake the Sage of Shadow for the Sage of Death either. The Sage of Death is my partner, and he's pretty mad about that!" With that, Impa teleported to the CoS…

"Thank you so much Rauru! That idea of yours was pure genius!" Impa exclaimed. Rauru smiled.

"Don't mention it."

"You should have seen the look on those kids' faces!" Impa laughed. "I thought they were going to faint!"

After thanking Rauru, Impa strode towards the Office of Sages with a smile on her face. Nothing was going to ruin her good mood now, not even the fact that it was her turn to write the Sages report.

A/N: So how'd you guys like that one? The next chap is going to take longer than usual, mainly because I have no idea what the heck I'm going to write for Ruto's chapter. See ya' when I finally get it up!


	7. An Attempt to Remember

A/N: Who would like to hang me by my thumbs? How about a good old fashioned whipping? Or perhaps a Chuck Norris roundhouse in the shins? No? I guess that means I won't undergo any pain for making you wait this atrociously long time. I really am sorry about that guys. Hopefully, this chapter will earn me forgiveness, but I doubt it's that good.

Chapter Seven: An Attempt to Remember.

"Oh Link, how I wish I was yours forever, how I long to gaze into your shimmering blue eyes, how I want to be held by you as your wife…" Ruto said as she gazed up at the love of her life.

Link smiled down at her before getting on one knee. "Ruto…Only now do I realize how much I truly love you. Malon is just a manure-covered idiot, and we've divorced. I know we're different species' but I don't care anymore. Will you marry me?"

Ruto gasped and tears filled her eyes. "Oh yes! Yes! Yes!" She cried. They kissed passionately, and Ruto was happier than she had ever been in her life…

…And then she woke up.

"Ruto!" Zelda yelled outside the door. "Get your lazy aquatic butt out of bed!! We can't do everything for you around here!"

Ruto drowsily got her aquatic butt out of bed. (She was actually rather proud of her butt being aquatic, so she didn't mind that particular part of Zelda's insult.) As she did, she gazed at one of her twenty-seven pictures of Link, her nineteen Link-based poems, and thought of her popular 'Link Lovers Club', which now had approximately twenty-two female members. (The male ones she preferred not to count.)

She had also recently acquired a Malon Dart Board, and a Malon Punching Bag. For good reason, the other Sages frequently called Ruto's room 'The Shrine'.

As she left her room, Ruto continued the morose mood she had been in since Link and Malon had married. _Stupid freakin' manure-covered tree-hugging animal nerd stole Link from me!!_ She raged within her head. Her somewhat obsessive anger was interrupted however, as she overheard a fight in the Living Room of Sages.

"Listen Saria, I'm afraid that if you continue to refuse to give back my Diary, I will have to take drastic action."

"Oh yeah?! Well I WILL give your Diary back…after you give my Ocarina back Nabooru!"

"The only reason I took it was because I was about to have a seizure from all your lousy playing!"

"Lousy?! Why I oughta-" Suddenly, the argument stopped and Ruto heard Zelda's voice. "Alright, break it up!" Zelda yelled.

Ruto's eyes widened. _That's it. I'll break 'em up! I'll break up Link and Malon!!_ _I'll find a way…and once I do, I'll charm Link so he'll marry _me_!! _

So overjoyed was Ruto at the prospect of her somewhat-insane idea, that she began to dance like a maniac. She danced and danced and danced…until she opened her eyes for a split second and saw all of the six Sages staring at her. "What?" She asked quizzically.

--

Ruto snickered evilly. This was gonna' be _sweet_!

She was currently crouched on top of the roof of Lon Lon Ranch, with only the prospect of sweet, sweet revenge on her mind. Actually, that wasn't entirely true, as the fact that she had been crouching here for three hours was also on her mind. And the fact that her rear end was starting to really hurt from the stone roof. She was also exceptionally hungry. Not to mention bored out of her fishy head.

All right, admittedly there was more than one thing on her mind, but chief among them was….hunger actually. _What I wouldn't give for a nice Keese sandwich. _She thought in agony. _I wonder if Malon down there will give me something to-wait a second, Malon's down there! Finally!_

Ruto quickly transformed into her blue ball of light, prepared herself for some serious acting, and flew down to Malon. "Malon!" She cried when she ceased to be a ball. "Malon, I've got terrible news!"

Malon jumped at Ruto's sudden entrance. "Ruto? What are you doing here? What's going on?"

Ruto tried to keep up her act. "Malon…I'm so sorry about all this, and I wish I didn't have to be the one to tell you this….But it's my duty as a Sage. First of all, where's Link?"

Malon shrugged. "He took the kids to Hyrule Castle Town. Why? What is it?"

It took all of Ruto's strength not to grin. "Good, he can't know I told you this. You see….I overheard him saying to himself that he…didn't love you anymore."

Malon gasped and covered her face with her hands. "No." She whispered, as if desperately trying to choke back emotion. Ruto nodded sorrowfully.

"In fact, he hates you. Hates your guts. Wishes you would drop dead. Come to think of it, I think he likes Ganondorf better than you." Ruto put her fishy hand on Malon's shoulder. "I'm so sorry Malon."

Malon hid her face from Ruto, and without saying a word, ran into the house and slammed the door behind her.

Ruto grinned ecstatically. _Yes! She fell for it hook, line, and…I almost used an anti-fish term! _

--

Ruto was happier than she had ever been in her life.

She expressed her great joy through loving kindness to her Sage companions, such as choking down a whole five helpings of Darunia's breakfast. Which had happened to be deep fried Cucco strips in a garlic dipping sauce. But she had hated it. Even though she had licked her plate clean after each helping. She had really hated it.

Another expression of her unconditional love for her brethren was toward Saria, the lousy little shr-the cute adorable little Forest Sage. When she had caught Saria drawing a moustache on one of her 'Linktures', as they called them, she had not screamed "**Get out of my room before I send you out of the physical realm, you tree-hugging hippie!!**", but instead had _quietly _told said tree-hugging hippie to get out of her room before she sent her out of the physical realm.

Yes, Ruto was truly showing goodwill toward her friends.

As a further act of selflessness, she decided to go see how Malon was holding up. Did she have the hidden agenda of checking to see if her brilliant scheme had worked? Nayru forbid! Not in the slightest! Perhaps only a little! But a very little! Oh heck, why not?!

--

Ruto landed at the entrance to Lon Lon Ranch, fully expecting to see Malon sobbing into one of those filthy horses' manes. Oddly, no such sight greeted the expectant fish-woman. However, upon further thought, Ruto came to the conclusion that even Malon had enough sense to cry into a pillow, or something else more hygienic than a horse's mane.

Upon discovering this, Ruto zipped over to the house, and whipped open the door to find Malon hysterically….cooking breakfast for her children. Well, she couldn't be expected to show such strong sadness in front of her little ones, of course. But no doubt she was dying inside.

Malon looked up, startled at the slightly perplexed Sage's dramatic entrance. Strangely, it almost seemed as though Malon was holding back….a _smile_?!

"Oh, Ruto!" Malon exclaimed. "What a pleasant surprise.!"

Ruto cocked her head quizzically. "Uh….yeah, good to see you too. So uh….how've you been? What with that dreadful bit of news I gave you…."

To Ruto's mystification, Malon actually _laughed_. "Oh, don't worry about me." She chuckled. "I've been perfectly fine." She then jerked her head towards the upstairs bedroom. "Link!" She called. "Honey! Ruto's come to visit us!"

_WHA?!_ But how could….she had….but what about….._WHA?!_

The love of her life came bounding down the stairs, a huge grin of his face. "Hiya Ruto!" He greeted. Ruto just gawked.

"How've you been?" Link continued. "I was just getting ready to have breakfast with my beautiful, darling wife! You're welcome to join us, if you want!"

Where had it all gone wrong?! What had happened?! Oh…..she saw it all now. That dirty rotten stupid ugly piece of horse diarrhea had sabotaged it somehow!! Ruto was certain of it! She would get back at Malon for this! SHE WOULD-

Ruto's thoughts of vengeance were cut short as she lost consciousness in Link and Malon's kitchen.

A/N: This _may_ be the last chapter. Whether it's the penultimate or the final will depend on if I lose interest again or not. If it turns out to be the end, I'd just like to thank all my incredible reviewers for supporting this all the way through. Without them, I'd probably never have gotten past 'What Comes of Boredom'. _You guys are awesome_.


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